Welcome Back to the Land of the Living


I hate those girls. You know the ones. Those girls who fall for a guy and basically change everything about themselves. They stop hanging out with friends. They stop writing their blog. They take a job at a brewery, stop drinking and lose 60 pounds. Yeah. Those girls need to get their shit together.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, cutting back on drinking and taking better care of oneself to be healthier and happier is fine. But giving up a blog? Becoming a hermit? WORKING AT A BREWERY AND RARELY DRINKING THE AMAZING LIQUID GOLD BEING CREATED WITHIN??? Yeah, those girls suck.

Whew. Glad I’m not like that… anymore. #AwkwardJean2016 … I’m back.

Long story short, for those of you hoping there’d be a happily ever after with Crush, well, so was I. Trust me when I say no one is more disappointed or heartbroken than I am that my relationship with him did not work out. However, much like our good friend Forrest Gump – That’s all I have to say about that.

I will say the past several months have been a struggle for me to accept that the person I thought would be my best friend, sidekick and love for the rest of my days is just… gone. Suffice it to say it did not end well and I can’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt so unlovable and undesirable… Feeling that low and alone and unwanted I found there was only one way I could bounce back… Cue: Hot Guy at a Bar.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone out to a happy hour with co-workers, but when I was invited to go out for my friend Kim’s birthday I knew I had to go. I didn’t want to, not because I wouldn’t have fun or enjoy seeing everyone, but because I’d gotten really good at wallowing in my own misery and didn’t want social activities to interfere… BUT I went.

Granted I was dressed a bit like a lumberjack (think red flannel with a fleece vest… true story) but I was proud of myself for getting out of the house. It was a fun night, though I hadn’t been drinking in a while and suddenly thought I was Frank the Tank – drinking all the drinks, taking all the shots… 20’s Jean was in full force. That’s when, through the hazy blurry buzz I saw HIM. You know the guy – so good looking you kinda assume he can’t see you in return so you just stare. Like mouth gaping open, eyes glazed over from not blinking, full on STARING. #SubtleJean

Feeling more like myself than I had in months I pointed him out to the table – relief washed over me as I realized that YES, all the reassurances of all the fish in the sea were true and YES, I would eventually move on… And it felt good to see my co-workers nod and smile in approval that YES, Jean was finally acknowledging other men exist AND agreeing that this, in fact, was a fine specimen of a man. I sat up a little straighter, I flipped my hair and my eyes rediscovered their sparkle… Then he stood up and turned around…

DAMN!! What the whaaaa… NO. Just no. Jean—no. Bling butt jeans??? Awww hell no!!

How can a guy that good looking, that tall and handsome in his preppy Callaway golf pullover be wearing fist-pumping, jersey shore, bling-butt jeans?? And why? Dear God why? Had my sabbatical from the bar scene been so long that the men forgot how to dress? Could no other woman pick up the honesty baton and run with it letting these guys know that THIS IS NOT OKAY?? Honestly people.

Unfortunately, before I could make my way over to talk to the guy about his atrocious accessorized ass choices, he was gone. C’est la Vie

The next couple of hours I continued to drink like a frat boy, take shots and even went as far as to drunkenly sing karaoke. If strip mall bars were a kingdom, that night I was reclaiming my throne as the rightful Queen. Feeling high on life (and by life I clearly mean a ridiculous amount of alcohol consumed on an empty stomach and emptier feelings) I was in the zone when Bling Butt returned to the bar. It was a sign… and I’d already forgotten about the offending jeans, this Jean was in full on Beer Goggle mode AND out to prove she hadn’t lost her touch. (It’s okay if you want to take a moment here to cringe… I think we all know what’s coming… #AwkwardJean2016)

Mid-conversation with the birthday girl I got up, confidently strode to the bar (my version reads confidently, cc video surveillance likely tells a different tale) and struck up a conversation with Bling Butt. Full disclosure I don’t remember most of what we talked about but there are tidbits of the awkward I can recall…

AJ (Squeezing next to him at the bar and attempting a flirtatious smile): Hi.

BB (smiling): Hey. I was wondering when you were going to come talk to me.

AJ: What do you mean?

BB: Well, you’ve been staring at me all night.

AJ (Blushing… Lots): Oh.

BB: You’re turning red.

AJ: Um, yeah.

BB (pointing to the Boulevard Brewing logo on my vest): So, do you really like their beer or something?

AJ: Yeah, it’s great. And I work there as my fun job, so it’s pretty cool… (such a wordsmith)

BB: Cool, yeah I’ve never gone for the tour but always wanted to.

AJ (LIGHTBULB MOMENT): OH — yeah, you totally should, um, I can get you tickets you know if you ever want to go, I mean not for anything cool or special or anything but we have these free public tours and I can get you tickets to those… which sounds like not a big deal, but sometimes it’s hard to get so it’s kind of a big…well, I just mean, so um, here (grabbing a pen that suddenly materialized on the bar and a napkin to write on) here’s my email and my phone number – I mean, in case you ever want me to save you tickets to go on a tour or something, but um, don’t call me – I don’t like the phone, like talking on it and stuff, but you can email me or text me or something, I mean, if you want tickets…

BB (Chuckling): And what if I don’t want to go on a tour?

AJ: Oh, I mean, I just thought cuz you said… yeah, no you totally don’t have to… (taking napkin back)

BB (Grabbing napkin): No, I mean what if I want to use your number for something else? What if I want to go out?

AJ (Confused): Um, like on one of the tours?

BB: No, like out with you.

AJ (STILL Confused): Like to Boulevard?

BB (Laughing at this point): No – what if I want to use your number to talk to you and go out with you, like any place, not necessarily to Boulevard?

AJ: Oh. Um. Yeah. Okay. Well… Yeah. But not to talk. I don’t like that. But, um, you can text me. But, I have to go back to my friends now. Just let me know about the tour, or about you know, whatever… But don’t call. Just text.

BB: Will you come say goodbye to me before you leave?

AJ (Practically tripping over myself as I try to walk away backwards while staring like a star-struck schoolgirl): Um, yeah. Yep. Yessiree. That’s gonna be what I do.

And with that, I returned to the table while everyone stared at me in what I can only guess was a mixture of disbelief and pride… I went on to tell them that I was kinda awkward (shocker), but that I did give the guy my number. However, as I tossed my cell phone on the table, I pointed out that if he was actually interested in me he would have texted already. THAT would be some game.

And THAT is when I received the text.

Ahhhh Awkward Jean… how we’ve missed you.

Want to hear more about what happens next with Bling Butt and Awkward Jean? Subscribe to the blog. Because this story is far from finished.

xoxo– Awkward Jean


2 thoughts on “Welcome Back to the Land of the Living

  1. Pingback: Netflix & Chill | The Misadventures of Awkward Jean

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