Birthdays, Fake Dates, Private Clubs, and Criminal Behavior



10.22.13 – Shower Dance Party Birthday

10.23.13 – Fake Date

10.24.13 – Pendergast Club and Stolen Goods

10.25-26.13 – Recovery Time

10.27.13 – Gypsy Joan

10.28.13 – Bonefish Birthday & Crazy Cat Lady Certified

10.29.13 – Bi-Curious Hair

10.30.13 – Dinner Date

10.31.13 – Real Date

11.01.13 – Impromptu Fall Party

11.02-04.13 – Recovery Time

11.05.13 – Sushi Sensation!

So, it’s been two weeks since my inaugural post… The goal was to post every couple of days, eh… minor fail. Partially because I REALLY need to figure out how to adjust the ginormous font and various layout issues that are driving me nuts. My apologies on the technicalities… still a work in progress. Now, to catch you up on the happenings of Awkward Jean, I’ve detailed (if we’re using the term “detail” loosely) the past fourteen adventures below… because let’s face it, when you’re the Jean, the question isn’t “Will today be an adventure?” but rather “How big of an adventure will today be?”

10.22.13 – The Official Birthday.

My actual, official, birthday celebration is best described in the following text I sent to some girlfriends:

Birthday night winning! Made a quick “Empowered Ladies” playlist*, lit Erica’s fancy incense, cracked open CRUSH’S <name changed to protect any chance I possibly have… let’s remember the lessons from the dating blog> all-time favorite beer (that I tracked down and bought for him when I invited him over for football this weekend but he didn’t come), put it in my special birthday coozie from Kim and Rhonda, then drank it while dancing in a hot shower and singing at the top of my lungs. Callie may be traumatized, but I’m having a great single lady night! Cheers!!

10.23.13 – The Fake Date.

I never know if I’m on a real date or a fake date with my crush. It starts with drinks after work, then suddenly we’re having dinner. Sometimes we split the bill, sometimes he picks it up, sometimes I do. There are no clear social cues and lord knows if there were I’d miss them. That said… I can pretty confidently call this one a fake date based on the following transaction:


CRUSH: Do you pluck your nose hair.

AWKWARD JEAN: Um… <STORY BREAK – When I was 19 years old, and a summer camp counselor, Collin, a precocious six year old, looked up at me one day during lunch and, with the bewildered voice of an innocent babe, said “Miss Jean, you have more hair in your nose than my dad.” Seeing as a compliment I graciously replied “Thank you Collin.” Suffice it to say some trimming has been a solid part of the Jean Routine over the past 16 years. Again I say… Thank you Collin.> Yeah. Well, I mean, I don’t actually pluck, that hurts. But um, I use my cuticle scissors, but well, I don’t use those for my cuticles, I have a different pair that are more like clippers, but the ones that are like scissors are small and I do some trimming, and maybe the occasional… I mean, er, uh… Why do you ask? (This is about the point of self-conscious horror thinking I’ve got some Willie Nelson style parading out my schnoz and down my face…)

CRUSH: Well, the way your nose sits on your face you’d almost have to.

AWKWARD JEAN: Check please.

And that’s how I spent the night of The Fake Date staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my nose (well-trimmed I’d like to point out) from every angle and finally crying because I’ve always liked my nose and how dare him for making me feel self-conscious about it. And then I sent him a mean text.

And that my friends, is how you know it’s a fake date. When your crush is more awkward than you, and you end the night crying about a non-existent problem (I really do have a great nose – even when my nostrils flare when I’m mad, it’s STILL a great nose), it’s definitely not a real date, at least not a real good one.

10.24.13 – KC’s Elite… Meets Jean.

There is a private club located above a well-known steakhouse in Kansas City. The steakhouse is called The Majestic, and has a rich history of its own. The club is called the Pendergast Club and is so named for an infamous historical Kansas City politician. In polite circles Tom Pendergast is renowned as a key patron to Harry Truman, but the reality of his infamy stems from his reputation in the 1920’s-30’s as an unapologetically corrupt politician (read: mob-related violence, extortion, tax evasion, all the KC greats). The Majestic is in the building Pendergast’s offices had been located and the rooms he once did business from have now been turned into a private club for, here’s the kicker, Kansas City’s political elite. Judges, lawyers, federales… You name the power player and chances are he (sorry ladies) is a member of this club.

If not for the brass lock on the otherwise white wall, you wouldn’t even realize there was a door behind the host stand at The Majestic, but tell the host you are there as a guest of the Pendergast Club (and yes, you have to give a name) and the door swings open, granting access to the various stairwells that lead to the Good Ol’ Boys club upstairs. Think scotch, cigars, leather couches, exposed brick and men in suits. Lots of suits. And that’s pretty much the Pendergast Club. It is a very cool space, and while I didn’t know anyone there other than the people I came with, it just exuded power and influence… Which is why I basically bellied up to the bar, ordered some Buffalo Trace whisky on ice, and made friends with the owner/bartender Scott. In unrelated news… guess who was invited to come back to the Pendergast anytime as a guest of the owner. This girl. Guess who drinks a lot of scotch as he pours it and will likely never remember this girl? Yeah, Scott. But… it was a cool adventure… and, given the mixture of men, stairs and whisky… it’s basically an Awkward Jean miracle that nothing actually awkward happened. WIN!

(And, for those of you who were present… I guess I should probably go ahead and self-incriminate now… we MAYBE went somewhere after the Pendergast Club… And by maybe, I mean we did… At the second bar we met up with some co-workers for dinner… And, well, the fries came in these cute little mini pot things that were all adorable and one of my colleagues really wanted to take one home, but c’mon, we’re grown-ups, we don’t steal shit from restaurants… that was sooo last decade… That said… I DID have a big purse, and in the morning may have noticed one of the cute pot things had fallen in it… If that’s the worse 20’s Jean is gonna do when she rears her ugly head, I say we take it! And, in my defense, I DID gift the ‘found’ item to the colleague who showed interest. You’re welcome colleague. Gosh.)

10.25.13 – Recovery Jean

Even Jean needs to rest… And I’m sure this had nothing to do with the fact that the last stop of the previous evening was newly discovered treasure with the mystery beer vending machine – I tried one that tasted a bit like someone regurgitated some Jägermeister into a stale beer left at a frat party… which, in hindsight, explains the next one too…

10.26.13 – Recovery Jean Part 2

And… at 35, sometimes that resting takes a few days…

10.27.13 – The Fool, the Lovers, and Gypsy Joan

FINALLY – My first officially sanctioned Misadventure – getting my tarot cards professionally read.

And… whew… Sleepy Jean strikes again…


*FOOTNOTE: In case you’re interested here’s the “Empowered Ladies” playlist from my shower party. All songs are best sung loudly, with reckless abandon, while dancing. If a shower is unavailable, a car (windows up or down — performer’s preference) will suffice simply adjust your dance moves accordingly.

Roar – Katy Perry

Brave – Sara Bareilles

Girl on Fire – Alicia Keys

F**kin’ Perfect – P!nk

Shine – Anna Nalick

I Was Here – Beyonce

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s